Suspecting the validity of the Self-esteem concept here must sound contradictory. What’s wrong with feeling good? Isn’t that the objective of personal development? Isn’t it all about loving and being happy with ourselves? It sure is… but the term “self-esteem” entails a trap that can derail your growth.

First, let’s attempt to define the term “Self” separately. This term allows various interpretations as you can see in the diversity of meanings people derive from it. To understand its meaning it is necessary to investigate what we are. This of course has been the central question that science, philosophy and religion have tried to answer through the ages – an enormous task indeed.

Is your Self your Ego?

The trap starts to unfold when we realize the western tendency to identify what we are with our “Ego”. Most people in the western world relate the term Self with Ego. Therefore, the term Self-esteem would be more closely related to Ego-esteem in a western context. Could an egocentric focus prevent your personal growth? Keep in mind that all spiritual practices motivate the awakening of a holistic awareness that keeps your ego in check.

It is not about denying your ego; instead, it is about remaining aware of your ego in a larger context. Could you consider the term Self in a larger context unrestricted by a rigid ego construct. Naturally, placing your attention solely on your Ego would not be conducive to an understanding of Self in relation to a larger whole. Therefore, you should ask whether your concept of Self integrates your relationship with your social and natural environment. Keep in mind that your infinite potential lies in how you integrate these relationships to your concept of Self. If you don’t address all dimensions of your relationships with people and nature, then how could you develop this infinite potential you hold? Have you questioned whether your concept of Self includes all dimensions of these key relationships?

Is your Self defined by others?

We have analyzed one aspect of the Self-esteem concept by questioning whether an egocentric pursuit, as it is commonly understood, opposes your personal growth instead of enhancing it. Now let’s analyze another factor that could mistakenly dictate your Self-esteem: Other people’s opinion of you.

Frequently, we give enormous value to positive or negative opinions other people have of us. In many cases, people build their personal identity based largely on other people’s opinion of them. Naturally, this has a significant impact on what we call our Self-esteem. As mentioned before, our infinite potential is born from integrating our social and natural environment into our concept of Self. Hence, we suggested the term Self should include these relationships transcending an egocentric concept of Self. Then, it would be easy to conclude that other people’s opinion of us are in fact decisive for our Self-esteem. And therein lies the confusion that we should try to clear up.

Even after deep introspection it is rather difficult to define ourselves. This is due in part to the inherently unknown nature of our potential which is difficult to foresee. If unaware, the conditioning we are subject to through the years may keep this potential from manifesting. Even knowing all of that, we allow other people’s equally conditioned opinions define what we are. These opinions for good or for worse may be valuable and respectable, but they are intrinsically limiting since they originate from a subjective personal perspective.

However, in many cases, we take either praise or criticism as if it were definitive truth. There is nothing wrong with considering the feedback you receive as long as you take it as a point of view that holds a relative perspective, but not the absolute truth. You should pay attention not to fall in the trap of allowing praise or criticism change the way you feel about yourself without being aware of it.

Then, the question remains: How do you integrate your relationships into your sense of Self without being conditioned by them? You may try listening to all positive or negative opinions you receive while considering the belief systems from which they were expressed. In other words, try to put yourself in their shoes to understand their perspectives, even if limited in scope, they may remain valid. In fact, the exercise of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes requires detachment from your ego to consider everyone’s perspective.

Could we come to a simple conclusion?

Yes, we certainly can. So far, we have come to two conclusions:

• Your concept of Self should integrate your relationships with people and nature
• Detachment from your ego helps you consider everyone’s perspective enriching your field of possibilities while keeping these perspectives from being definitive.

Both, holistic integration and detachment to consider all perspectives requires one thing: Love

Simplify, there is only love…

It won’t be easy to uncover the nature of the Self-esteem fallacy in one brief post, so I would love to extend this discussion in the comments section. Let me know what you think?